Do you find yourself looking at other married couples and imagining how great their lives must be? They look well suited, seem so happy and in love. But even people who would say they have a great marriage still find they share common sources of frustration. After all, no marriage is perfect and every marriage has ups and downs.
You are not alone.
The butterflies that were once in your stomach when you and your spouse were just starting to get to know one another have well flown away.
Years later you start focusing on what is going wrong in your relationship rather than the exciting nuances of your budding romance.
This is what trips couples up most. It’s those fundamental annoyances that you simply cannot get past.
Take a look at the following questions as a basic marriage compatibility test, complete them alone but if appropriate ask your partner to complete them too. It is by no means exhaustive and is designed to give you some thoughts to ponder.
Do you feel you have met your one true soul mate? Many of the best relationships start as being friends first, but this does not mean if you met your partner and married within a month that you will not be married forever and be happy!
Are you in love? If you are not in love any more can you still have a fulfilling marriage? I have heard older couples talk about seeing each other more as best friends but their marriage vows are still true and strong.
Do you still talk? Communication is key. Do you take the time to listen to each other or do you feel there is no point as what gets said goes in one ear and out the other.
Are your life goals connecting? This question is far reaching and includes anything from buying a pet, where you would like to settle down and things as important as whether or not you want children.
If you have answered the questions yourself without your partner present then take a moment to look at your answers. On a separate piece of paper imagine what your partner would write for their answers. Do you make any interesting comparisons? If you are able to complete this with your partner, answer your questions separately and then look at your answers together.
SCIENTIFIC MARRIAGE COMPATIBILITY
There are scientific reasons for one person to be attracted to another. One initial marriage compatibility test that happens on a subconscious level is smell.
Where two people share good basic genetic traits to build a healthy baby, they are often attracted to the smell or pheromones of their mate.
This has been scientifically proven and from an evolutionary standpoint being able to reproduce is often fundamental to our primal brain or the lower brain.
Maybe you feel like you never ceased the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. With the fast paced world that we live in, it is easy to be too busy to socialize with a broad network of people or even have different relationships.
Getting married is a socially regarded ‘next step’ in the natural order of life events. A single person might find themselves being asked if they have met anyone yet.
On meeting that someone special; when are you getting married? After you are married; when are you having a baby? If you have a girl; are you going to have another child? If your next child is a girl; are you going to try again for a boy? This can be the same if you have two boys first and the expectation is to try again for a girl.
There is a social etiquette which we just do not talk about. To continue the human race man and woman have to get together and have children.
Some scientists argue it may not be natural to stay with one partner and explain the tendency to have an affair in some individuals as natures’ way of spreading your genes.
I don’t necessarily agree with this. I’m simply relaying the study here.
Couples within same sex marriages or partnerships may experience similar outside pressures which can cause relationship difficulties.
GETTING TOGETHER IN DESPERATION
Marriage compatibility is drawn into question when you find yourself meeting someone and feeling quite desperate to make it work. Maybe we’re feeling too old and unlikely to meet anyone else. That ‘clock is ticking’ feeling, you want a child and have to find anyone that will have you or you will be left on the shelf.
This can be such a strong feeling welling up inside, also one you might not have admitted to until now. This is an absolutely natural feeling based upon the fundamental survival of the human race.
To generalize, you are pre programmed to desire a child although there are exceptions with some couples choosing to have no children.
FEELING LIKE YOUR OPTIONS ARE LIMITED
Getting lost in the ‘butterflies in your stomach’ sensation as you meet that special someone is absolutely natural. Marriage compatibility is put on the back burner as you push those relationship worries as far down into your subconscious as possible.
You are lost in the whirl of exciting dates followed by buying rings, flowers, booking the venue, new clothes, hair… a honeymoon! It is all so exciting, this excitement keeps those worries safely tucked away at the back of your mind.
“So, they are not the ultimate movie perfect partner, but I can change them.”
In reality you cannot change them on the scale you might like to and accepting this can be a big hurdle to overcome.
WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Although relationship difficulties follow similar patterns including financial woes, job pressures, illness, sharing house chores, religion, politics, hobbies and interests, there’s something important to bear in mind.
You are a unique individual and you need to know how to nuture yourself individually in order to be the best partner you can be to your spouse.
Take time for yourself, as you reflect on what you have read in this article. You can, as soon as you have finished reading, find a quiet space. This could be anything from the edge of your bed to a public library.
Take a moment to be alone. Sit down, close your eyes and take several deep breaths… ponder the following question; when looking at your marriage compatibility issues what aspect worries you most? Write these thoughts down. Together we can help fix them.
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