The feeling that wells up inside when you realize you are in a failing marriage is all consuming but you really can turn it around.
The reality is, you can work through the problems between you and your spouse – and be stronger for it.
Believe it or not, knowing that your marriage is at a breaking point is a strength. You recognize the problem and are taking the proper steps to resolve it. So, give yourself a little pat on the back.
Even if your spouse isn’t on board with fixing the issues at hand, you can still get started on improving things.
It’s not mandatory for both of you to start repairing the relationship in the beginning.
You can work on saving your marriage either by yourself or with your partner. If you haven’t talked to them and don’t feel you can, all is not lost. As you make changes and take specific action, this will reflect back into your relationship and you will see changes in your partner. I call them my five golden steps… as to knowing them puts the power in your hands!
1. Add more positivity into your day.
2. Take care of yourself.
3. Work toward a cordial atmosphere.
4. See the problem your partner is sharing with you from their view point.
5. Start a new activity together
The Male and Female Mind
Before I elaborate on the five golden steps it is crucial to remember… and keep reminding yourself, that the male and female brain is extremely different. Men like to fix a problem, women like to talk about it and devise their own solution.
Adding more positivity into your day can fundamentally turn around your failing marriage. As the stresses and strains of everyday life take over, you can forget to treasure your partner which can burn you both out over time. By adding positivity I simply mean a gesture such as putting a flower on the table at breakfast… or even surprising them with breakfast in bed. In many cases simply making them a morning cup of coffee up would be hugely appreciated as a positive start to the day. Positive gestures do not need to be huge, the little things all add up and feed your relationship, creating a glow of marital harmony.
Take care of yourself. Okay, so some people regularly attend the gym, have manicures, a weekly hair appointment and that perfect, whitened smile but is this you? It might be that your partner has let themselves go, a positive gesture from step one which feeds well into step 2 might be booking a short pamper session.
A 15 minute spruce might be all it takes to put a smile on their face and encourage them to nurture themselves. Sometimes one person in a relationship or even both don’t feel valued. It’s vital to recognize that YOU have high value. You have friends and family who depend on you. You deserve the best. By taking care of yourself you are ultimately working on your failing marriage.
Spending time or effort on yourself is also distracting in a good way. Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in a whirl of marital negativity and forget to take care of your own mental and physical wellbeing.
Using your manners. Sounds simple enough, but this little added etiquette is an easy way to let your spouse know you appreciate them. Do you add in please or thank you?
Do you expect your partner to do certain things during the day or week and no longer feel the need to give praise or show basic appreciation? If this is you then for the next 24 hours see how many times you can use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
Really focus on times to use them. They took out the trash like they always have done since you got your first house together… say thank you. As your partner starts to feel appreciated, feel that positivity that starts flowing into your relationship.
This may be hard when you get lost in arguing again but try and see the situation from your partner’s perspective. Remember their view point might be wrong to you, but to them it is valid.
Try hard to listen to your partner, utilize the power of reflection or ‘active listening’ and make sure you relay back to your partner what they are annoyed about and ask if there’s anything else they’d like to add. You’ll notice a calm sink into their tone once they understand that they are being truly listened to.
Maybe you vehemently disagree, but at least you have shown them you have taken on board what they have to say and understood it before saying your feelings on the matter.
Starting a new hobby together, taking up a new interest is a hugely positive step to rebuilding your failing marriage. It could be that you choose to embrace your partner’s interest or something they have talked about in the past.
This is the moment when you say, can I look through your stamp collection with you as I am interested… or let’s take up flying lessons! It can be anything at all. It could be something already established or something new. It really doesn’t matter, it’s about doing something together.
If you have children it could be doing something child-free or taking up an activity like hiking as a family. Being interested and nurturing what makes your partner tick inside is a golden step to resolving the problems in your marriage.
Take this important moment to watch the official Mind Your Marriage video on how to restore your marriage and rekindle romance in minutes. Just fill in your name and email next to this article and I’ll send you the first video immediately, take care.